Ducky: You seen the cat?

Me: …

Scooter: …

Ducky: …

Me: No.

Scooter: …

Ducky: She got scared of the vacuum and ran all the way up the stairs. Proverbial “Scaredy Cat” if you will!

Me: …

Scooter: …

Ducky: …

Me: You did the same thing.

Ducky: Incorrect. I went half-way up the stairs. And solely to allow you easy access to the cat hair covered carpet downstairs.

Me: It seems to be mainly dog hair that is getting sucked up.

Scooter: …

Ducky: The cat steals my fur at night and spreads it around the house.

Me: How does she do that, exactly?

Scooter: …

Ducky: Very quietly so as not to wake you.

Me: Clever. But you weren’t scared of the vacuum?

Scooter: …

Ducky: Nope.

Me: Then why were you barking at it?

Scooter: …

Ducky: Ergonomics.

Me: Ergonomics?

Scooter: …

Ducky: You were bending wrong. I was warning you so you wouldn’t injure your back.

Me: Very kind of you. Why don’t you come down now?

Scooter: …

Ducky: You should put the vacuum away first.

Me: Why?

Scooter: …

Ducky: Ergonomics.

Me: That makes no sense.

Scooter: Maybe that’s why you hurt your back.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Scooter: Meow.

Ducky: I love you, Daddy.

Me: I love you, Ducky.

Ag

Who would ever send me hatema…

Me: Happy New Year, Ducky.

Ducky: …

Me: ...

Ducky: Does not a smile usually accompany the word, “happy” to help communicate its meaning to the more visual, non-verbal learner?

Me: …

Ducky: Why the long face, mopey?

Me: Nothing new, Ducky. Don’t worry about it.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: It’s okay, Daddy.

Me: What is?

Ducky: That you’re not happy.

Me: …

Ducky: …

Me: I have a lot to be happy about: you, the lady, we’re back in the house, I’m not in imminent danger of being fired…

Ducky: Yup. But it’s still okay to not always be happy.

Me: Other people don’t agree.

Ducky: And other people like cats. It doesn’t mean that they’re right and you’re wrong.

Me: …

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: You know, you feed me every day. There’s no reason for me to be hungry anymore right after you feed me, and yet…

Me: You still want food.

Ducky: Nothing new, Daddy. Don’t worry about it.

Me: …

Ducky: No matter how much you feed me, no matter if you give me enough food to satisfy most reasonable dogs, I’ll be hungry most of the time.

Me: …

Ducky: Do I ever act like I’m not hungry when I am?

Me: No.

Ducky: And you don’t have to act happy or say you’re happy if you aren’t.

Me: ...

Ducky: …

Me: ”Happy New Year” is more of an expression; less a statement of condition.

Ducky: And dogs don’t really talk, and yet both factors provided us an inroad to this conversation.

Me: …

Ducky: …

Me: I love you, Ducky.

Ducky: I love you, Daddy.

Me: Thank you for everything this year.

Ducky: Thank you too, Daddy. Can I take care of you for another year?

Me: Yes, please. Can I do the same for you?

Ducky: Yes, please.

Me: …

Ducky: …

Me: You want me to give you something to eat now, don’t you?

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Yes.

Ag

Me: It’s almost Christmas, Ducky.

Ducky: Already? 

Me: Time flies when you have no sense of it, huh?

Ducky: Oh, geez! I haven’t heard someone bring up that old myth for years.

Me: Three weeks.

Ducky: Really?

Me: Yup.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Time flies.

Me: I see a present under the tree from you for me.

Ducky: Yup. 

Me: Thank you.

Ducky: The Lady helped me.

Me: I assumed.

Ducky: I assume there’s a little something for me under there?

Me: Of course. The Lady helped with those too.

Ducky: I assumed. She has proven useful. We should keep her.

Me: That is the plan.

Ducky: The cat can go.

Me: I’m afraid they’re a package deal.

Ducky: …

Me: Like you and me.

Ducky: …

Me: Like a cooler version of you and me?

Ducky: Unless you are comparing yourself to the one of them that’s allowed to poop in a box in the house, I am uncomfortable with the analogy.

Me: Technically they’re both allowed to poop in a box in the house. They Lady just prefers the toilet.

Ducky: …

Me: Just one of the little things I love about her.

Ducky: …

Me: Her preference for toilets over boxes.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: …

Me: The Lady increases the chances that your dinners don’t get delayed when I work late.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Fine. The cat can stay.

Me: That’s the Christmas spirit!

Ducky: Let’s wrap her.

Me: That’s less festive.

Ducky: Merry Christmas, Daddy.

Me: Merry Christmas, Ducky.

Me: Missed you, Ducky.

Ducky: Less talking. More head rubbing. You owe me.

Me: I know. We aren’t usually gone overnight. But the Lady’s Sister was here and you like her.

Ducky: She doesn’t like that cat.

Me: I know.

Ducky: That helps me with the liking of her. 

Me: I’m sure.

Ducky: You both left me at home for six weeks.

Me: Overnight.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Felt longer.

Me: I think you use the myth just…

Ducky: Did you go to an overnight dog park?

Me: No. We ran in a half marathon.

Ducky: Ah ha! You could have taken me! I love running!

Me: Yes, but you’re more of a sprinter. A half marathon is pretty long.

Ducky: How long?

Me: 13.1 miles.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Is that far?

Me: Yes. It’s a lot further than you have ever gone without needing to sit and rest.

Ducky: What’s the furthest I’ve gone?

Me: Three quarters of a mile.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: That’s not further than 13.1?

Me: No.

Ducky: Sounds further.

Me: Yeah. Words are funny. Short words can describe long distances. You can’t just count syllables.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Am I ever going to need to know what a syllable is or can I move on?

Me: Moving on is probably cool.

Ducky: Maybe I could train? Build up my endurance.

Me: Yeah, I don’t know if that’s safe. And even if you could, they don’t let dogs in people races.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: I bet they do if you get me…

Me: For the last time, I am not getting you a vest.

Ducky: Come on!

Me: Those are for helper dogs.

Ducky: I’m helpful!

Me: Not regularly

Ducky: Quisling.

Me: Look, I’m sorry we were away for a night, but I think I’ve made up for it by being down here on the floor and rubbing your head for six weeks.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Didn’t seem that long.

Me: …

Ducky: …

Me: Time flies.

Ducky: …

Me: …

Ducky: Missed you, Daddy.

Me: Missed you too, Ducky.

Ducky: Love you.

Me: Love you.

Ag